Spirituality Kids
Divorced with Kids—moms and forgiveness, talking to the kids, independence, reconciliation and remarriage
Divorce is tough. But with a little wisdom and grace, mom can help the kids cope and have a maximum chance of not taking emotional baggage into their marriages. As a bonus, if handled right, the aftermath of a divorce can be a positive growing and maturing process for her too. Let’s take a look.
Kids generally do not like divorce. They love to see mommy and daddy together, loving each other–forever. God intended it that way. Kids, who are very perceptive, being close to God, are intuitive about such things. They basically see something wrong with divorce. It affects them deeply. It means that something is profoundly wrong and out of order. It makes them feel insecure.
I know there are spouses who are really bad persons. I understand that in some circumstances, separation or even divorce is absolutely necessary for self-protection or protection of the kids. If your spouse is a violent criminal and you are afraid, get help from the authorities.
However, in this article, I would like to focus on the more typical situation where both mom and dad (husband and wife) are decent people.
It is sad to see a divorce over little misunderstandings and selfishness when both mom and dad are good people. It would be so much better for everyone, especially the kids, if mom and dad had learned to get along better and had stayed together. But it did not happen. So let’s make the best of it, learn something, and hopefully build a bright future.
Since a divorce has happened, we have to deal with what is. Before talking about damage control, let me just go ahead and give you my opinion of what would be an awesome outcome (though it rarely happens): reconciliation.
It would be nice if both mom and dad remained unmarried. Both do a lot of soul searching and each begins to realize selfishness, he in his way and she in her way. Both mature, become more forgiving and drop their resentments against the other.
He sees that she is just a lady. And she sees that he is just a man. Each had wanted perfection; each was angry over not getting some need met; and each was resentful.
He realizes that he has to be a man, shoulder the responsibility for what went wrong, and learn to be more fatherly. He sees that he was weak, that he was a selfish user, and that he was not committed to principle. Now he has matured, and ready to be the man she needed.
She sees that she had become moody and resentful, wallowing in judgment of his weaknesses and failings.
She sees that she resented him because he was like her dad or all men. She sees that she wanted to be his god and motivate and change him. Now she sees that her manipulations backfired. She sees that he did have some good qualities, but she never gave him the space to find himself.
After a series of profound realizations, both are sobered and chastened. Both get back together, now more mature.
But as I said, this is rare. Often, one or both remarry, which takes away much chance of getting back together And even if neither remarries, one or both sides generally continue to blame the other. Sometimes one or both claim to have forgiven, and even claim to be good “friends” with the other. But there has to be something wrong here, because if they are such good friends, why not make good their original commitment and get back together? The friendly talk is face saving. No one wants to be perceived as bitter and hurt. So both cavalierly say that all is fine.
Then there is the pitiful situation where both get back together, but it is more of a codependency thing. He says he is sorry for gambling/cheating on her, or whatever. She accepts him back. But nothing has changed. He is still weak and immature (or violent), and she serves out of guilt (for continuing to judge and resent him).
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s address the most likely present circumstances.
Here is the key principle to keep in mind. It is very important that the kids not be taught or encouraged to hate their father.
This does not mean that you have to like your ex husband. Nor does it mean that any or all of the kids have to “like” their dad. It does not mean that if he did some wrong things, that you have to pretend that nothing happened, or pretend that what he did was okay.
The secret to life is to see reality clearly and without distortion, but not to hate or resent what we see. That way, your soul remains safe. When we do not hate, we are not penetrated by the wrong or victimized by it. We are free to leave the past behind and enter a bright future with no baggage. It is hatred and resentment that leave emotional scars and block being able to move on without transferring the past to new situations.
When we resent another, it leaves a scar and causes trauma. I am sure you have heard the old expression: “it is not so much what happens to you as how you react to it.” This is especially applicable to the reaction of resentment. In other words, it is okay to feel the hurt, but not the hate. Hating and resentment hurt you more than what another may have done to you.
Never is this truer than when it comes to resentment and hatred toward a parent. Kids are resilient. They can survive arguments. They can survive a divorce. They can survive hard times. But they cannot survive their continued resentment toward a parent without being harmed by that resentment. When they remain resentful, they then take this baggage into the future and ruin their own life and their relationships.
It is a basic spiritual law: hate your parents and hurt your kids. I did not make this up. It comes from a master counselor with 50 years experience. I repeat it because it is true. Therefore, don’t overtly or covertly encourage your kids to hate their dad. If you do, and the kids do hate dad, this will harm them. Someday when they realize that your influence overtly or subtly contributed to their hate; they will be tempted to hate you too.
It will be much easier to not subtly influence your kids to hate (since they are bonded to you and pick up you feelings), if you, yourself, are in the process of letting go of resentment toward your ex husband. I know you are going to say that it is not easy to forgive him. But it is not hard to forgive, if you let go of the resentment.
Remember–forgiving does not mean pretending everything is alright or liking what another person did. Forgiving does not mean having to be friends or even necessarily having anything to do with another. It means dropping resentment. It means dropping grudges. It means letting go of hostility.
As far as your kids go, let me mention that the office of fatherhood is very important. Father has a special role: he represents God in the eyes of a child. When dad fails, it is a big deal. But the child will be okay if he or she does not resent dad. It is also a spiritual law that hatred of father puts up a road block between the person and God.
Another way of saying it is: you cannot love your Heavenly Father if you hate your earthly father. A human is meant to eventually find the God of conscience. This usually occurs later in life, often during the second half of life when the person begins to yearn deeply for truth. Resentment of father blocks this from happening (until it is seen and let go of).
Chances are-you probably have some issues with your dad. Chances are he was not there for you. You resented him and went out in the world looking for love. What you found was someone like your dad. Then, sure enough, he turned out to be like your dad, and so, you resented him.
I know, you want the best for your kids. You want them to be free to live a happy and productive life without issues and hang ups. Their best chance to do is if they don’t resent their parents.
Because they are human beings, they will have to make their own choices. Undoubtedly your kids do resent their dad. You cannot make them not resent him-just don’t encourage it. Talk to them in general terms about the importance of forgiveness. Don’t manipulate them for affection.
Admit freely your own errors. But don’t look for sympathy.
Let them see reality. Don’t force them to see you as wonderful. Don’t pretend. Don’t blame.
Hold your head up high, and move on with your life. Keep your fears and worries to yourself. Go about your business, and watch out for a tendency to create emotion-charged scenes. No child likes seeing his mom as a basket case. Kids like to see their parent calm and getting better, not getting worse.
Finally, I must address the topic of dating and remarrying. I must say that kids generally do not like a strange man coming around. Most kids are wary. They often view a stranger as trying to take dad’s place.
I must say that it is best to be very, very cautious about dating. What kind of a man wants to immediately horn in on another family and come between a man and wife and any chance of reconciliation? As I said: best to remain chaste. Leave the men alone for awhile. If you have a male friend, let him be a true platonic friend. Do not force your kids to like some new “friend.” Do not force them to respect him. Kids are perceptive. Sometimes a child will see a dark side to someone that you can’t see. The number one rule is: protect your kids.
Proceed with caution. It can happen that the first husband really was a loser. The wife continues on after the divorce with dignity, living a decent and chaste life. She lets go of her grudges against men, and becomes well established, perhaps a successful businesswoman.
She becomes the type of woman who will attract a decent man. With time, a gentleman with a noble heart does enter her life. After a long period of dating and getting to know him very well, after being platonic friends for a long time (like a couple years), she sees that he is interested in her as a person, not as an object of use. Thus, there can be a true marriage of two noble people.
The kids will be wary. If he is truly noble–the virtue, the honor, the chasteness, and the fatherly quality of this man will not tempt them to judge or resent him. With time they may come to respect or even love him. In the meantime, hold your head up high, and learn to grow in grace.
About the Author
Roland Trujillo M.S., lecturer, author, and marriage coach has been teaching and counseling for 30 years. His popular AM radio program is celebrating its 20th year on the air. Listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the air and now he has published a long awaited book on relationships. Find out more at www.RolandonRelationships.com
Spirituality For Kids 2005 review
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